1. I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I've only got my shelf to blame.
2. A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation
for a local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in
4. I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It
was just sole destroying.
5. I was getting in to my car the other
day when a man asked me, 'Buddy, can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you
look great, chase your dreams, go for it!'
6. I've decided to sell
my vacuum. Well, it was just gathering dust.
7. What's the best
time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Never date tennis players. Love means nothing to them.
10. My wife and I
were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
11. Why didn't the lifeguard save
the hippie? Because he was too far out, man.
12. I saw a documentary on
how ships are kept together. Riveting!
13. I was overcharged for Velcro
last week. What a rip off.
14. I think I'm emotionally constipated. I
just can't seem to give a shit.
15. I've been reading a book about
anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
16. A train stops at a train
station. A bus stops at a bus station. Now why is my desk called a 'work
17. How do prisoners call each other? On their cell
18. The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very
little in common.
19. Have you heard about the magic tractor? It turned
into a field.
20. To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for
21. I hate Russian Dolls. They're so full of
22. I used to be a banker, but over time I lost
23. I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I
changed my mind.
24. I can't understand why people are so bothered about
me not knowing what the word 'apocalypse' means. Sheesh, it's not like it's the
end of the world or something!
25. Why can't a bike stand on its own?
26. Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left
side in an accident? He's all right now.
27. If I could only take one
thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn't bother going.
couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt for ages. But then one day, it
29. My first job was at a calendar factory. I can't believe
they sacked me... all I did was take a day off!
30. I was going to tell
my pizza joke, but I think it's a bit too cheesy.